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[14 Jan 2012|10:14am]
I've seen immaturity at its best. Time and time again. And at this point, I am sick of it. In my 22 years of age, I am at a point where I would rather take unearned hits, walk away and be done then argue pointless defenses. Life brings me to the conclusion that you can only speak deeply to those who merit it. Because those people are the ones who care about the person behind the words. Others only care about the words and have no loyalty or respect for that person behind them. From now on, my thoughts, experiences and feelings will only be shown to the people who have always been there for me, through thick and thin, heartache and love. Time has proved who those beings are.
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[25 Mar 2011|03:55pm]
Only YOU can define who you are. Noone else has the power to so do. People can claim they made or created you by introducing you to a new group of friends, changing your style or hobbies, or by controling your life. But this does not show the world who you are inside. You create your own self by the words that come off your lips and by the actions that arise from your hands. Ultimately, it is what is deep down in your soul that creates your character. You can be stripped of everything in life. Friends, family, money, power. But you will ALWAYS have yourself.
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[20 Dec 2010|12:35pm]
i am in the worst depression i have ever had. i have never been so stressed out. i have so much with school and now this stupid fucking surgery that i don't want. every time i think of it i get more and more angry. this stupid medical shit just keeps coming up and i'm only 21 years old. abnormal tests, biopsies and now this cyst removal tomorrow. i don't want to go at all. it's christmas time. why am i the only one who thinks this is all unfair. everyone else keeps saying i'm ridiculous and to just do it but i shouldn't fucking have to. i just want to rest over my ONLY break from school. i don't want to have to rest to heal my body. i want to rest for pleasure. i want to rest my mind and not have to think about anything. i can't enjoy the season at all. i can't christmas shop or make christmas cookies or listen to holiday music. i have no cheer towards any of it. i'm fucking sick of hearing to cheer up or whats wrong or to get over it. i just want to be left alone. all i want to do is lay down and sleep cause thats the only time my mind is at ease. i never even got a choice in the matter. i just asked my doctor what kind of cyst it was and he just said its a dermoid so ok we'll schedule your surgery for december. fuck you asshole its my body. i'd rather do this in the summer when i have time than now. i'm willing to take that risk. i can't go out and have fun. i just sit there and look miserable. nothing can ever go my way no matter what it is. thats all there is left to say.
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[21 May 2010|10:11am]
hmm what to say besides life gets harder and harder as time passes. all i want to do is get into nursingg school and get out, but still as of may 20th noone has been taken off the wait list yet for Jefferson. i cant stand just sitting around here waiting for my moment to come but there is nothing i can do. i cant find a decent job anywhere either.

oh and how could i forget my family. fighting all the time. thats pretty much a typical day now. nobody gets along and nobody wants to try. and i have to be caught in the middle of it. one day i feel bad for my mom and the other my dad and its just a vicious cycle that wont stop. my mom keeps saying shes keeping peace till caitie graduates, if peace is really what she wants to call it. then what? i guess shell move out and leave me here with my dad who shows no emotion of any kind. that will be some life. and at the same time id feel bad leaving him alone. i just dont know what id do. then the way she secretly texts people all the time. its so suspicious and it makes me sick to think it could be another man. ill never forgive her.

worst of all (on top of my already horrible life) i had to go to the doctors for a test yesterday. i kept getting abnormal gyn test results so the doctor did this thing called a colposcopy. and of course he found an area on me that looks suspicious. he had to do a biopsy. a fucking biopsy. im not even 21 years old and this happens. im scared. i feel miserable like i dont want to do anything. or be anywhere. i guess noone would know it because i mask it all so easily. but i know it and its killing me. i just dont know what to do anymore about anything. ive given up hope.
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[01 Feb 2010|10:37pm]
so i got some good news a few days ago...jefferson school of nursing asked me to come in for an interview. im so excited about it. i thought i had absolutely no chance because im behind everyone else. but my gpa is pretty high and ive been working my ass off so maybe for once its paying off. im gonna try and prep for the interview but i really just want to sound natural, not rehearsed. im just going to be honest when i answer them because thats the best way to be.
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[23 Jan 2010|10:13am]
what to say...my life is nothing like i thought it would be at this point in time. my family is in the worst state possible. and there is nothing i can do. everyday i have to hear my mom tell me how shes about ready to leave my dad. my dad continually does ignorant things and doesnt really talk to anyone the way he should. hes all work and no family. i dont blame my mom for being annoyed by him, but she also doesnt try to fix anything. she just acts angry all the time and pushes him away.
And then wednesday as i sat in my sociology class looking on facebook from my phone, i see that i have an inbox message from someone named jillian. the message read something along the lines of "my father is married with kids and grandkids...my only concern is that your mother doesnt know that...he is playing her". wtf is that supposed to mean? shes having some kind of affair? and why is this girl contacting ME? i dont even know anything about it and i didnt want to know and now its poisin in my head. how can i act like a normal person when thats all that i think about? she said the guys name is tom...there was a tom at my house this summer when my mom's friends were here. he said he was single but had daughters. he came with my mom's friend maryanne. so maybe it is him and i should believe it. i wrote to the girl to leave me alone cause i dont know what shes talking about and she said "oh i must have the wrong person". but the more i think about it the more i think its true. shes always out and she doesnt want anything to do with my dad. and if that is the case, i lose all respect for her and this entire family. its trailor trash of her to do something so disgusting. if its true then i have no ties to this family anymore and i dont want them. ill do what i want. ill go to school and be a nurse and start my own family, a family who wont communicate with this one. the only person who i have is derek. and on a typical day i prefer being with his family over mine.
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[12 Dec 2009|09:47am]
[ mood | distressed ]

ive been noticing lately that i have a lot of anger pent up in me from when i was treated so badly a year ago. i still think about that life and how horrible it was and how it traumatized me. i get so angry and i feel like im always on the defense. i ALWAYS worry. im anxiety ridden. so much worse than i ever have been. to the point where it effects my life. i HAVE to handle what im worried about right away or i cant sleep at night. i get so stressed. everyone notices. i feel like i need to let all the anger out. i want a chance to scream at the person who deserves to hear it, because i never got the chance to let it out in person. i hope over winter break i run into him and friends, because i feel like i need to so my feelings can come out. all that he did was block me out when we broke up. there was no feeling. well i need to tell him how much i HATE him and what he did. his verbal abuse destroyed who i was. im happy in my new relationship. but the scars from the old one are still there. i dont know if i can ever be the same again. im desperately trying though.

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[09 Dec 2009|07:49pm]
[ mood | content ]

so i've been reading this book called firefly lane. its really good. its about two best friends who met when they were fourteen and had each other throughout life, even though they had entirely different dreams, childhoods, and lives. they are a constant support system. its awesome. i just hate when i finish books so fast cause then i have to search for another good one and that takes so much frigin time! okay back to studying no more procrastination haha.

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[30 Nov 2009|10:36pm]
thanksgiving was good. saw all my mom's side of the family who i haven't seen in forever. i missed everyone. derek and i have been really good lately. no fighting or bickering. just happy times. probably because its been a year since we started talking. we first got with each other on thanksgiving last year. i snuck out and stayed out with him till 5 in the morning and we just drove around and talked. we went to random spots like the park and swung on the swings. a lot different then the drunk nights that were the beginning of me and bobby. a relationship that wasnt real to being with, clearly. the start of this relationship was different. it was real. there was instant connection and communication. and similar wants and needs.

i went to dereks first indoor soccer game of the winter. i love watching him and his brothers play. its a lot of fun. school is busy right now cause its the end of the semester just about. im getting through it. i have to.
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[17 Nov 2009|09:29am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

i feel better today. the past couple days havent been good. but today i feel good. i have to take the Nurse Entrance Exam this afternoon. im anxious cause i want to get it over with. and then all thats left before thanksgiving are my two anatomy exams. so i just have to get through those wednesday and monday and then thanksgiving!!! woooo i love it. one of my favorite holidays. not even because of the food. just because i get to see my family and we get a four day weekend. and the macy's thanksgiving day parade is on which i watch every year like a five year old lol. i really need to start christmas shopping! i hate shopping for guys its so difficult.

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[15 Nov 2009|11:16am]
[ mood | angry ]

i'm on my own for the most part. everyone i know has attacked me at some point, besides my best friend. i never thought derek would attack me that way but last night he did. and it hurt me. he worked all day at this stupid sale for his uncles company. he finally got home last night and all i wanted was to hang out and have alone time. so we went to his house and then fucking of course frank and melissa ask him if they could use the downstairs tv, where theyd be ALONE and we had to sit upstairs with his two little brothers. who fight 24 7. i just wanted quiet and to be able to talk about anything, not censor our words cause of them. so i was bummed all night. so derek decides we were gonna leave and go to my house. then in the car he started attacking me saying i HATE his family i dont want to be around them and i constantly nag frank and melissa. ok fuck you. your friends and your brothers say shit all the time about those two but your just to afraid to say something to them. so you fucking yell at me for it. and he even does it himself. and i hate his family? i have never said that in my life. i like his family a lot. all i said was that i wanted alone time and that i was annoyed cause frank and melissa were together all day and had the house to themselves, then they take our usual spot in the basement. he started attacking my personality saying i flip out at everything and i get upset easily. yea i guess i do flip out easily, look at what i lived with for over a year with bobby. look at my family, constantly arguing and flipping out at nonsense. he KNOWS that i've been upset lately cause my family wont stop their shit. how could he? i dont even want to be around him today. i want to make him feel like shit the way he made me feel like shit. like a shitty person.

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[10 Nov 2009|09:01pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i miss you. i miss the way we all used to laugh. and be together. and be on the same side. i dont want to fall apart. i dont want you to leave. and worst of all i dont want to be alone. as a kid you dont realize. but now things are different. theres a wall. dont let it put a barrier between all of us. break it down. open up. i want to be accepted with open arms. i want you to be on my side. i want to hear that you love me. i want to know that im doing the right thing. that your proud of me. and i dont want to have to tell you to do it, to feel it. your laughter goes to everyone but me. and i'm missing a piece of me because of it. i cant be who i am with out the people who made me, me. BE there. i need you. otherwise your breaking me down to someone who i dont want to be. i feel terrible inside. i blame myself sometimes when i know i shouldt. why cant you get it? why cant you accept change? you'll live to regret it.

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[09 Nov 2009|10:16am]
[ mood | creative ]

beautiful and young at heart, we took the world by storm.
but what was to become of us, the world could not have warned.

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[03 Nov 2009|09:41am]
[ mood | sad ]

im really really hurt. i have been home since may. changed my major and school against my dad's wishes. i want to be a nurse. im working so hard for it. i have a 4.0 in school and im studying my ass off. but the more im here the more im realizing that im still getting treated the same. like im not good enough and that i never will be. my whole life all ive done is try so hard to make them happy and to be what they want. i thought maybe finally theyd see that im doing the right thing and that im good at something. but here i am home alone in tears again knowing that i dont have their approval. my mom left the house today screaming at me that i need a job and that next semester i wont be sitting here. its 830 in the morning and i am sitting here watching my show that i recorded last night cuz of the phillies game. i dont see why its a problem. its not like im failing school or even doing average. im doing above and beyond. its not like its 11 in the morning and im just rolling out of bed and im not sitting here. its not like i didnt earn myself a huge internship at virtua and worked every single day of my summer for eight hours. i keep the house clean for them and i cook. i do everything they cant do because they are never home. my own dad doesnt even talk to me. he doesnt say a word to me. and its hurts me so badly because i know that he wants nothing to do with his "failure" kid. he buddies up to caitie because she is his last hope for going to a big named four year college and getting a masters degree. well i changed my path in life because i want to be a nurse. he doesnt care what i want. hes selfish. and he doesnt love me like he should. and im starting to think my mom doesnt either. she loves me one day and hates me the next. i never want to be like them. ever. my kids will always feel loved. not like i feel every day. caitie is a mess too. smart mouthed and drinking all the time. i really dont have a family to lean on. im on my own and i always have been. the only thing i can thank them for is their money that gets me through school. well fuck you i dont want your money. i could take out loans and pay myself and feel the self satisfaction of doing it on my own. i want your love and approval. something that i try so hard for and never ever get. if i get into jefferson i am getting an apartment in philly or close to there. i want nothing to do with these people or this house.

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[02 Nov 2009|05:06pm]
[ mood | calm ]

things have been going well lately. school is great. im acing everything thank god. finally found the right thing to study. me and derek have been good. we had a little set back a few weeks ago though. he is trying out for some pro soccer team that travels all over the place and i am not too happy about it. cause if he actually did make it he wouldnt be around. thats one of the best things about our relationship is that hes always here for me. if he played he wouldnt be, and then it would be a repeat of long distance like bobby. i will NEVER do that again. idc who it is. it doesnt work and it sucks. it makes you miserable and lonely and when shit gets tough your significant other isnt with you. and when something really good happens you cant celebrate with them. they arent here for things like valentine's day or halloween which is supposed to be a joyous time. it just sucks. so we ended up getting in a bad fight about it. part of the problem is that ill feel terrible if he doesnt try out. i want him to try out. i want him to make the team. its his dream. but if he did then wed have to be over. it was really tearing at me. he said he would try out and give it his all but then walk away no matter what. but i know hell want to play if he makes it. i finally just agreed and said go ahead. a few times since then we've gotten in some arguments. i was afraid that its because there is now something between us that isnt love and fun, but anger and pain. i thought maybe that fight could spoil everything good between us. but weve worked through the fights and derek said that we just have to work at it and itll be okay. and it is okay right now. im still happy. i guess thats the most important thing.

i cant believe its november already! oh how time flies. i really want to take the train to new york next month and see the christmas tree in rockafeller center! me and derek are gonna start planning a day trip soon wooo. and i cannot wait until thanksgiving. my whole family is coming this year so itll be fun as usual!

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[15 Oct 2009|10:05am]
i really cannot stand this rainy weather because my head feels like its gonna blow up. its been pounding for the past day or so. ugh!! not only that but i have to actually get work done and not just written work. i have to memorize about 100 bones or more for my lab practical next wednesday. oh and then i have to do nursing school applications. im still waiting on letters from my boss at virtua from the summer. havent gotten them. this shit needs to be finished by november 1st. i went to this woman's event that i helped her plan all summer and i volunteered my time there when i had two exams to study for and she cant even send me a recommendation letter. ughh!! writing on here is helping my stress levels. being stressed really knocks me down. its debilitating. i get crazy and tired and my skin gets horrible. oh life how i despise you sometimes...
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[08 Oct 2009|10:11am]
[ mood | calm ]

so i was just watching an E True Hollywood story about taylor swift. i really wish i could play guitar and write songs. that is something ive always wanted to do but i never could lol. damn me!oh well. on to my thursday with nothing to do but sit here. im caught up on all my hw. derek calls me a "diligent little worker bee" lol. i guess its cause i always get my work done as soon as it gets assigned. i just hate having a list of shit to do...but then i hate sitting here with nothing to do...so who knows with me. im a mixed up, wierd, odd person. but its better than being normal cause thats just plain boring!!

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[06 Oct 2009|12:07pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

so for some reason i have been getting stressed and flipping out over wierd stuff. i have no idea why either. its not my period or anything cuz i had that like two weeks ago. so idk its wierd. derek yells at me all the time saying i get so stressed out and its taking a toll on me. its making me exhausted and moody and its definitely not good for my health. so im trying to relax about stuff. kate wants to take a kickboxing class so thatll help a lot with relieving stress. i've always wanted to try it so im excited!

i've been thinking a lot lately. its several months away from a year with derek. which means its less time since itll be a year from ending things with bobby. next month actually. this whole past year i've been able to reflect on what went wrong, how it impacted me, how it changed me for the worse and for the better. you know what i relaized? he stripped me of everything that matters to me most. my confidence. my spirit. my freedom. my love of life. my trust in people. he made me a non believer of love. like it couldnt exist. he made me apologize for every action i took. he took my friends away from me. even my best friend. and i just allowed this. how could i? he had this power over me and it was inescapable till the people who really cared about me broke me of it. im ashamed of myself for it. still to this day. but now at least i know who i am because of his dictating over me. i made my life the way i want it to be because i know who i am now. no more business school and trying to be something im not. im not out to get people. im no shark. i like sympathizing with people and helping them when theyre in weakened states like i was. nursing a sick person back to health is the same as when my friends and family saved me from him. i was mentally sick and i finally recovered from it. so in the end all i can do is thank you. for being the stepping stone to my happiness.

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[28 Sep 2009|10:24pm]
wow i haven't written on here since may! so longgg. i guess because when i was at rider i was so frigin stressed out living with dana and i hated school so much. but now im at camden county getting my pre reqs done for nursing school and im loving it. i love all my classes, even chemistry suprisingly. im starting to fill out applications for schools also like jefferson, rutgers, drexel and udel. my dad even seems a lot more accepting of all this now which is great. i think its because he finally realizes that this is what i want to do. i finished my internship at virtua which went pretty well.and now so far im aceing my classes and focusing on my work.
i still see derek but not like during summer. we used to just hang out whenever i wasnt at work during the week. now that schools started ive distanced myself. ill see him in the morning at school sometimes or at night 3 or 4 times a week if we go running for a half hour but thats all. im enjoying the time to myself though. i get to see my family more than before and spend time with them plus i can really focus on my homework and studying in my own room. i can just shut the door and have peace and quiet. no stupid dana to gab my ear off or pester me about shit. i just bluntly told her i was transferring and she took it well actually. good riddens!! and not to mention ive been getting so much more sleep. i dont have to sleep with the tv on everynight. stupid girl!!
so its already october and i really cant believe it! i guess working everyday of the summer made it go so fast. i like summer dont get me wrong but i love the fall so im excited for colder weather and halloween and thanksgiving! all the good holidays are coming up.

hmmm thats about it for now..i really need to go book shopping ill probably hit up borders this weekend. thatll be fun...ill probably skip out on drinking. the bailey's i drank on saturday night gave me a headache...is shouldve known cause its done that before!! just from a little bit. im a light weight
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[17 May 2009|02:50pm]
so the first week of summer is over...its been great so far.

ive had a lot to do between cleaning out my room and unpacking all my college shit. its been so hectic with that and my mom and i have been cleaning like crazy. but at least my room looks pretty now lol. derek built me my new desk that i bought because my other desk wasnt a computer desk and was too small. it looks good i think. hmm ive also been shopping a lot. the cruise is like 14 days away!!! yay!!! im so excited its gonna be awesome. im just not excited to pack all my shit up after i just put it all away lol.

im registering for some online courses. english comp 2 and abnormal psych. those should be easy. and i called my old lifeguarding boss from last summer so hopefully theyll rehire me and i can do all my work while i sit there all night. i hate lifeguarding but i cant complain its very easy. though id rather be in an office. oh well i need money so i dont really care at this point.

derek's bday is so soon i really need to get him a gift! ahh so busy!!
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