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[12 Dec 2009|09:47am] |
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ive been noticing lately that i have a lot of anger pent up in me from when i was treated so badly a year ago. i still think about that life and how horrible it was and how it traumatized me. i get so angry and i feel like im always on the defense. i ALWAYS worry. im anxiety ridden. so much worse than i ever have been. to the point where it effects my life. i HAVE to handle what im worried about right away or i cant sleep at night. i get so stressed. everyone notices. i feel like i need to let all the anger out. i want a chance to scream at the person who deserves to hear it, because i never got the chance to let it out in person. i hope over winter break i run into him and friends, because i feel like i need to so my feelings can come out. all that he did was block me out when we broke up. there was no feeling. well i need to tell him how much i HATE him and what he did. his verbal abuse destroyed who i was. im happy in my new relationship. but the scars from the old one are still there. i dont know if i can ever be the same again. im desperately trying though.
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[09 Dec 2009|07:49pm] |
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Happier- Fine Frenzy |
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so i've been reading this book called firefly lane. its really good. its about two best friends who met when they were fourteen and had each other throughout life, even though they had entirely different dreams, childhoods, and lives. they are a constant support system. its awesome. i just hate when i finish books so fast cause then i have to search for another good one and that takes so much frigin time! okay back to studying no more procrastination haha.
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[30 Nov 2009|10:36pm] |
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thanksgiving was good. saw all my mom's side of the family who i haven't seen in forever. i missed everyone. derek and i have been really good lately. no fighting or bickering. just happy times. probably because its been a year since we started talking. we first got with each other on thanksgiving last year. i snuck out and stayed out with him till 5 in the morning and we just drove around and talked. we went to random spots like the park and swung on the swings. a lot different then the drunk nights that were the beginning of me and bobby. a relationship that wasnt real to being with, clearly. the start of this relationship was different. it was real. there was instant connection and communication. and similar wants and needs.
i went to dereks first indoor soccer game of the winter. i love watching him and his brothers play. its a lot of fun. school is busy right now cause its the end of the semester just about. im getting through it. i have to.
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[17 Nov 2009|09:29am] |
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i feel better today. the past couple days havent been good. but today i feel good. i have to take the Nurse Entrance Exam this afternoon. im anxious cause i want to get it over with. and then all thats left before thanksgiving are my two anatomy exams. so i just have to get through those wednesday and monday and then thanksgiving!!! woooo i love it. one of my favorite holidays. not even because of the food. just because i get to see my family and we get a four day weekend. and the macy's thanksgiving day parade is on which i watch every year like a five year old lol. i really need to start christmas shopping! i hate shopping for guys its so difficult.
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[15 Nov 2009|11:16am] |
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satellite heart- anya marina |
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i'm on my own for the most part. everyone i know has attacked me at some point, besides my best friend. i never thought derek would attack me that way but last night he did. and it hurt me. he worked all day at this stupid sale for his uncles company. he finally got home last night and all i wanted was to hang out and have alone time. so we went to his house and then fucking of course frank and melissa ask him if they could use the downstairs tv, where theyd be ALONE and we had to sit upstairs with his two little brothers. who fight 24 7. i just wanted quiet and to be able to talk about anything, not censor our words cause of them. so i was bummed all night. so derek decides we were gonna leave and go to my house. then in the car he started attacking me saying i HATE his family i dont want to be around them and i constantly nag frank and melissa. ok fuck you. your friends and your brothers say shit all the time about those two but your just to afraid to say something to them. so you fucking yell at me for it. and he even does it himself. and i hate his family? i have never said that in my life. i like his family a lot. all i said was that i wanted alone time and that i was annoyed cause frank and melissa were together all day and had the house to themselves, then they take our usual spot in the basement. he started attacking my personality saying i flip out at everything and i get upset easily. yea i guess i do flip out easily, look at what i lived with for over a year with bobby. look at my family, constantly arguing and flipping out at nonsense. he KNOWS that i've been upset lately cause my family wont stop their shit. how could he? i dont even want to be around him today. i want to make him feel like shit the way he made me feel like shit. like a shitty person.
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[10 Nov 2009|09:01pm] |
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i miss you. i miss the way we all used to laugh. and be together. and be on the same side. i dont want to fall apart. i dont want you to leave. and worst of all i dont want to be alone. as a kid you dont realize. but now things are different. theres a wall. dont let it put a barrier between all of us. break it down. open up. i want to be accepted with open arms. i want you to be on my side. i want to hear that you love me. i want to know that im doing the right thing. that your proud of me. and i dont want to have to tell you to do it, to feel it. your laughter goes to everyone but me. and i'm missing a piece of me because of it. i cant be who i am with out the people who made me, me. BE there. i need you. otherwise your breaking me down to someone who i dont want to be. i feel terrible inside. i blame myself sometimes when i know i shouldt. why cant you get it? why cant you accept change? you'll live to regret it.
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[09 Nov 2009|10:16am] |
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again-flyleaf |
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beautiful and young at heart, we took the world by storm.
but what was to become of us, the world could not have warned.
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[03 Nov 2009|09:41am] |
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im really really hurt. i have been home since may. changed my major and school against my dad's wishes. i want to be a nurse. im working so hard for it. i have a 4.0 in school and im studying my ass off. but the more im here the more im realizing that im still getting treated the same. like im not good enough and that i never will be. my whole life all ive done is try so hard to make them happy and to be what they want. i thought maybe finally theyd see that im doing the right thing and that im good at something. but here i am home alone in tears again knowing that i dont have their approval. my mom left the house today screaming at me that i need a job and that next semester i wont be sitting here. its 830 in the morning and i am sitting here watching my show that i recorded last night cuz of the phillies game. i dont see why its a problem. its not like im failing school or even doing average. im doing above and beyond. its not like its 11 in the morning and im just rolling out of bed and im not sitting here. its not like i didnt earn myself a huge internship at virtua and worked every single day of my summer for eight hours. i keep the house clean for them and i cook. i do everything they cant do because they are never home. my own dad doesnt even talk to me. he doesnt say a word to me. and its hurts me so badly because i know that he wants nothing to do with his "failure" kid. he buddies up to caitie because she is his last hope for going to a big named four year college and getting a masters degree. well i changed my path in life because i want to be a nurse. he doesnt care what i want. hes selfish. and he doesnt love me like he should. and im starting to think my mom doesnt either. she loves me one day and hates me the next. i never want to be like them. ever. my kids will always feel loved. not like i feel every day. caitie is a mess too. smart mouthed and drinking all the time. i really dont have a family to lean on. im on my own and i always have been. the only thing i can thank them for is their money that gets me through school. well fuck you i dont want your money. i could take out loans and pay myself and feel the self satisfaction of doing it on my own. i want your love and approval. something that i try so hard for and never ever get. if i get into jefferson i am getting an apartment in philly or close to there. i want nothing to do with these people or this house.
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[02 Nov 2009|05:06pm] |
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things have been going well lately. school is great. im acing everything thank god. finally found the right thing to study. me and derek have been good. we had a little set back a few weeks ago though. he is trying out for some pro soccer team that travels all over the place and i am not too happy about it. cause if he actually did make it he wouldnt be around. thats one of the best things about our relationship is that hes always here for me. if he played he wouldnt be, and then it would be a repeat of long distance like bobby. i will NEVER do that again. idc who it is. it doesnt work and it sucks. it makes you miserable and lonely and when shit gets tough your significant other isnt with you. and when something really good happens you cant celebrate with them. they arent here for things like valentine's day or halloween which is supposed to be a joyous time. it just sucks. so we ended up getting in a bad fight about it. part of the problem is that ill feel terrible if he doesnt try out. i want him to try out. i want him to make the team. its his dream. but if he did then wed have to be over. it was really tearing at me. he said he would try out and give it his all but then walk away no matter what. but i know hell want to play if he makes it. i finally just agreed and said go ahead. a few times since then we've gotten in some arguments. i was afraid that its because there is now something between us that isnt love and fun, but anger and pain. i thought maybe that fight could spoil everything good between us. but weve worked through the fights and derek said that we just have to work at it and itll be okay. and it is okay right now. im still happy. i guess thats the most important thing.
i cant believe its november already! oh how time flies. i really want to take the train to new york next month and see the christmas tree in rockafeller center! me and derek are gonna start planning a day trip soon wooo. and i cannot wait until thanksgiving. my whole family is coming this year so itll be fun as usual!
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[15 Oct 2009|10:05am] |
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i really cannot stand this rainy weather because my head feels like its gonna blow up. its been pounding for the past day or so. ugh!! not only that but i have to actually get work done and not just written work. i have to memorize about 100 bones or more for my lab practical next wednesday. oh and then i have to do nursing school applications. im still waiting on letters from my boss at virtua from the summer. havent gotten them. this shit needs to be finished by november 1st. i went to this woman's event that i helped her plan all summer and i volunteered my time there when i had two exams to study for and she cant even send me a recommendation letter. ughh!! writing on here is helping my stress levels. being stressed really knocks me down. its debilitating. i get crazy and tired and my skin gets horrible. oh life how i despise you sometimes...
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[08 Oct 2009|10:11am] |
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not now- blink 182 |
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so i was just watching an E True Hollywood story about taylor swift. i really wish i could play guitar and write songs. that is something ive always wanted to do but i never could lol. damn me!oh well. on to my thursday with nothing to do but sit here. im caught up on all my hw. derek calls me a "diligent little worker bee" lol. i guess its cause i always get my work done as soon as it gets assigned. i just hate having a list of shit to do...but then i hate sitting here with nothing to do...so who knows with me. im a mixed up, wierd, odd person. but its better than being normal cause thats just plain boring!!
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[06 Oct 2009|12:07pm] |
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playing god |
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so for some reason i have been getting stressed and flipping out over wierd stuff. i have no idea why either. its not my period or anything cuz i had that like two weeks ago. so idk its wierd. derek yells at me all the time saying i get so stressed out and its taking a toll on me. its making me exhausted and moody and its definitely not good for my health. so im trying to relax about stuff. kate wants to take a kickboxing class so thatll help a lot with relieving stress. i've always wanted to try it so im excited!
i've been thinking a lot lately. its several months away from a year with derek. which means its less time since itll be a year from ending things with bobby. next month actually. this whole past year i've been able to reflect on what went wrong, how it impacted me, how it changed me for the worse and for the better. you know what i relaized? he stripped me of everything that matters to me most. my confidence. my spirit. my freedom. my love of life. my trust in people. he made me a non believer of love. like it couldnt exist. he made me apologize for every action i took. he took my friends away from me. even my best friend. and i just allowed this. how could i? he had this power over me and it was inescapable till the people who really cared about me broke me of it. im ashamed of myself for it. still to this day. but now at least i know who i am because of his dictating over me. i made my life the way i want it to be because i know who i am now. no more business school and trying to be something im not. im not out to get people. im no shark. i like sympathizing with people and helping them when theyre in weakened states like i was. nursing a sick person back to health is the same as when my friends and family saved me from him. i was mentally sick and i finally recovered from it. so in the end all i can do is thank you. for being the stepping stone to my happiness.
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[28 Sep 2009|10:24pm] |
wow i haven't written on here since may! so longgg. i guess because when i was at rider i was so frigin stressed out living with dana and i hated school so much. but now im at camden county getting my pre reqs done for nursing school and im loving it. i love all my classes, even chemistry suprisingly. im starting to fill out applications for schools also like jefferson, rutgers, drexel and udel. my dad even seems a lot more accepting of all this now which is great. i think its because he finally realizes that this is what i want to do. i finished my internship at virtua which went pretty well.and now so far im aceing my classes and focusing on my work.
i still see derek but not like during summer. we used to just hang out whenever i wasnt at work during the week. now that schools started ive distanced myself. ill see him in the morning at school sometimes or at night 3 or 4 times a week if we go running for a half hour but thats all. im enjoying the time to myself though. i get to see my family more than before and spend time with them plus i can really focus on my homework and studying in my own room. i can just shut the door and have peace and quiet. no stupid dana to gab my ear off or pester me about shit. i just bluntly told her i was transferring and she took it well actually. good riddens!! and not to mention ive been getting so much more sleep. i dont have to sleep with the tv on everynight. stupid girl!!
so its already october and i really cant believe it! i guess working everyday of the summer made it go so fast. i like summer dont get me wrong but i love the fall so im excited for colder weather and halloween and thanksgiving! all the good holidays are coming up.
hmmm thats about it for now..i really need to go book shopping ill probably hit up borders this weekend. thatll be fun...ill probably skip out on drinking. the bailey's i drank on saturday night gave me a headache...is shouldve known cause its done that before!! just from a little bit. im a light weight
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[17 May 2009|02:50pm] |
so the first week of summer is over...its been great so far.
ive had a lot to do between cleaning out my room and unpacking all my college shit. its been so hectic with that and my mom and i have been cleaning like crazy. but at least my room looks pretty now lol. derek built me my new desk that i bought because my other desk wasnt a computer desk and was too small. it looks good i think. hmm ive also been shopping a lot. the cruise is like 14 days away!!! yay!!! im so excited its gonna be awesome. im just not excited to pack all my shit up after i just put it all away lol.
im registering for some online courses. english comp 2 and abnormal psych. those should be easy. and i called my old lifeguarding boss from last summer so hopefully theyll rehire me and i can do all my work while i sit there all night. i hate lifeguarding but i cant complain its very easy. though id rather be in an office. oh well i need money so i dont really care at this point.
derek's bday is so soon i really need to get him a gift! ahh so busy!!
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[03 May 2009|10:33am] |
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i blew up at my parents yesterday and i kind of feel a little better now. i let everything out. screamed and cried and i dont care. for once im not ashamed of crying. ill be the first person to admit that i live a charmed life and i have a lot of things that i want. but my parents act like i act like an ungrateful brat. i dont act like that. EVER. because i hate people who do that. then my mom tells me all the time that i have no passion in life. how could she say that! i am introverted and i always have been but that doesnt mean i lack passion for things. just because i dont shout from the rooftops the things that i love doesnt mean i have no love for anything in life. i know my dad is mad that im leaving rider but you know what fuck that. im leaving to do what want to do in life. i cant stand it anymore i dont know how to make those people happy. i never do anything right for them so i give up trying. they tell me go out and have fun but then last night they got pissed off that i was going to a party so i said fine i wont go then they scream at me to go. i just broke down because i dont know what to do. they make me feel like i have something wrong with me. i sat in dereks car hysterically crying asking him what is wrong with me. why am i so flawed to them. he just told me to stop and that there is nothing wrong. but i dont know. i feel like a disappointment. i dont like to disappoint them and i never have. Caitie has no problem doing it and just says fuck it. i wish i was just like her. she goes out and shuts them out and doesnt care. shes a good sister. she screamed at them for me and got pissed off cause they had me so upset. i was supposed to give her a ride last night but she got another one. i feel kinda bad. i did end up going to rowan and sleeping out though so i felt kinda better once i was out and around kate and everyone. talking to your best friend always helps. i love how she knew right away something was up with me. my face looked all wierd from all the crying haha. i just need to calm down and ignore it.
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[27 Apr 2009|11:57am] |
this weekend was good. the weather was amazing! i was outside a lot. tried to get a little color but in my case its more of a burn than anything. so yea friday i just hung out. saturday i shopped a little then hung out outside and read. then me derek caitie and my parents were all invited to dinner with my grandparents. that was fun i guess. then me and derek and frank and melissa hung out at his house by the bon fire and drank a little. i slept over which is always fun lol. i went to dereks game last night...it was a little intense. a lot of screaming and yelling which was wierd cause normally the indoor games arent like that. i was afraid someone was gonna start fighting which from what ive heard has happened many times before. i dont think id like seeing that very much lol. but over all good weekend.
on a darker note...this week is gonna suck!! so much work and studyding to do i want to shoot myself. ugh!!next thursday cant come soon enough.
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[21 Apr 2009|07:58pm] |
so its official...i got into rutgers and im going!! im gonna be a nurse like my mom. im a little scared but im also really excited. i cant wait to take science classes and stuff itll be great. and living at home is gonna be so much better. ill eat better and sleep better. ill probably have better grades too.
so i talked about this whole living at home thing with derek the other night. ive had some fears about it because i started thinking about me and bobby and how we saw each other every day during the summer and how we started fighting and getting sick of each other. i already told derek that i really want to treat this move as me still being away at school. im not saying i wont see him at all during the week, but there is no way i want to see each other everyday. i think its going to be really hard because i know the temptation will be there but in order to make things work i feel that its completely necessary to not see each other all the time. i dont want to lose the feeling of missing him, ya know? plus i need to really focus on my school work becacuse i know itll be challanging. so we both mutually decided that we can see each other sometimes during the week, but every night isnt gonna happen. he has his shit to do like work, and now he's gonna start taking a lot more classes come fall, and he also has his workout schedule. ill have homework plus i really want to start some workout classes since i hate running. i feel like my dad thinks im coming home to be with derek which is ridiculous. does he honestly think id put my schooling and future career on the line all just to come home to be with my bf who i see every weekend anyway? absolutely not. i have never been that way. school has always been too important to jeporadize and derek knows this about me. hed never let me come home for that reason. i really feel envious when i hear that people are going to nursing school. i genually feel that this is what i want to do. it has nothing to do with my bf.
life will be better this way though, that's for damn sure.
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[20 Apr 2009|06:25pm] |
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two more weeks of school!!! yay!!! so the weekend weekend was eventful i guess. friday me and derek went out to dinner since we never really do that. then we hung out for a little till we both had to go to bed cause he had to get up at 430 and i had to get up at 630. i went to get that three hour test done. long and boring and actually painful. i couldnt eat or have coffee so i felt like a zombie. they took like 15 tubes of blood and they made me drink this nasty ass sugary stuff. a whole bottle!! it was gross. so yea i started to pass out on the way home. my heart was racing and i got sweaty. my mom maded me put my head between my legs lol. we did a little shopping and then i came home and sat outside and worked on my speech. then we hung out at rowan which sucked cause i couldnt really have fun cause i was afraid to drink and everyone was afraid to give me a drink after those blood tests. we had to leave early again anyway cause der had a game at 10 and he was soo tired. sunday i just worked on my speech all day pretty much. i bought a new purse. thats always fun. came back up to rider. i gave my speech this morning and i went okay. kind of blahh but oh well im glad its over with. ive been sitting at this damn computer all day trying to do my accounting take home exam. i swear i am retarded with numbers. i have no idea if its right and at this point im just happy the questions are answered. i dont even care if its right. well maybe i do a little lol. i have so much work in the next two weeks its crazy. i have to bust my ass this week though so i can enjoy the 80 degree weather saturday. i am so ready for summer!!!
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[14 Apr 2009|07:28pm] |
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so i should be studying for my exam tomorrow...but i feel like writing. i just finished this book by james patterson called sundays at tiffanys. it was about this girl who had an imaginary friend as a child and then he leaves and later on as an adult she meets a real man that is her exact imaginary friend and they fall in love. it was kind of wierd at first but i ended up really liking it. i love soulmates and fate and believing that their is a higher power.
ive been in a happier mood lately. im trying to make the best of life ya know? im so young i should be happy go lucky and not so paranoid. and besides i only have less than three weeks of class left.
i cant wait till may first wen i go to the dermatologist. my skin is all rashy and wierd and i have no idea why. i hate this shit this happened to me last year too then over the summer it went away. maybe its a wierd allergy or something. guess ill find out soon..hopefully.
i really have the urge to get drunk and silly. not wasted but that fun drunk that makes you wana dance and giggle a lot. it sounds like so much fun right now!! maybe there will be a party this weekend and derek can chouffer my ass so i can drink lol. that would be entertaining.
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[13 Apr 2009|11:40am] |
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knock me down |
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soo this weekend seemed long as hell. i went home thursday as planned. just hung out. then friday morning i went for that stupid test thing at 7. derek came with me to keep me company. so they said to fast. i did fast. i figured id be okay to chew a piece of sugar free gum in the morning. well apparently not. the guy said he couldnt do the blood test and told me to come back another day. so retarded!! so my mom was pissed at me and freaked out and then i got all upset and was crying haha. she called me stupid. not like i havent heard that before (bobby). so derek was pretty much trying to cheer me up all day. we went to breakfast and shopped all morning and afternoon and then we watched the phils game. saturday i went out with my parents all day. i got a new watch as an easter gift and then we went food shopping and cooked some stuff for easter at my aunts. i had to go to my aunt mickie's house first sunday. it was insane. i think every person in my family was there. it was packed. then we went to my aunt dianes for dinner. that was cool. just hung out with my cousins. derek came over last night after he got home from his grandparents in tom's river so that was good cause i got to see him before i came back to rider this morning. i like his grandparents they are so funny. i am addicted to reading lately i cant stop!! ive been spending money on books every weekend lol. 50 bucks in borders thursday! its ok its not like im buying shit that i dont need. everyone needs books. im reading a bio on jackie kennedy. i adore her she is so classy and pretty. and that also helped me think of a speech topic for my speech monday. im doing it on the kennedy assassination. i love history!
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